Saturday, June 14, 2008

It took me a year to figure this out

Buttercup may have just celebrated her first birthday (sniff, sniff!), but I deserve some happy wishes, too.
Why, you ask?
You pushed a baby out, too, you say?
(Well, congrats to you. Seriously.)
I'm talking about the fact that I am now a veteran of Mommydom. I have made it past the one year introductory period where gimmicks and stupid and useless products are aimed at the ever-impressionable new moms who truly believe that they'll use that bottle warmer they registered for faithfully (meaning, like, more than one week after it's out of the box.)
In the year that Buttercup has grown from a defenseless little six-pounder into a 20-something pound Diva with a 'Tude, Momma has grown a little herself.
What have I learned, you ask?
Let me share:

* No matter how much hearing "Enjoy your sleep while you can" while still pregnant makes you want to strangle every. single. person. who shares this trite little gem with you, you will find yourself biting your tongue to keep from saying it to newly pregnant friends and relatives after your precious baby turns you into a walking zombie.
You will literally have to not only bite your tongue, but draw blood, to keep from saying it after you have crossed to The Other Side. You know, that little place where parents actually can decent snatches of sleep in one shift before they wake to laugh and point at the walking zombies.

* No matter how much you thought you could love, multiply it by infinity.

* Barney is no longer the Devil.

* You might not want to admit it to the family, but you will find it hilarious when your baby says "shit." You may even try to get them to say it again just for some cheap, side-splitting entertainment.

* It is okay to take a while to fall in love with the screaming little infant everyone tells you that you must be so proud to have. After all, while they may have been hanging out for the last nine months, you really just only met face to face.
Me? I fell in love when Buttercup was six-weeks old. Before then, she was a really demanding house guest.

* Your husband or partner will never look more sexy than when they are asleep in bed, snuggling their child in their arms.

* Everything you said you were not going to do once you had kids, no matter how much you believed it at the time, was a total crock. (See above. Cuz that wasn't supposed to E-V-E-R happen in our house.)

* While milestones are great, life is actually easier (read: laundry, showering, peeing without an audience) before your child can roll, crawl, or walk. Sure, I'm lovin' each new discovery with Buttercup, but I sometimes find myself wistfully thinking about the times when I could put her down and not have to worry about her wandering off when I blinked.

* Baby poo stinks before you have a child of your own. After? It's the topic of the day. Maybe new moms become immune to the smell?

* Before you have a baby, every new mom is a fat, lazy slob who "let herself go" if she does not magically lose all the pregnancy weight over night. After the baby? Reality takes an upswing upside the back of your head and knocks you on your ass. Then you realize that you were a vain and selfish idiot who would like to publicly apologize to every mother in the world.
Excluding the Hollywood momlets. They cheat. I'd get my body back in five minutes, too, if my baby came with a personal trainer, home gym, personal chef, nutritionist, and plastic surgeon attached to the umbilical cord.

* Your baby's smile is the only thing that can make a truly bad day disappear.

* You will turn into your mother. And you'll like it.

* You also will realize that your mother was a saint. You are still alive, after all.

* That minivan you swore you'd never get? That will last for about a week after the kid pops out. Then you'll start drooling when you see your neighbors. Feel free to act like your husband made you get it to save face after a new one shows up in your driveway.

* The new "crazy night out" with the girls is reduced to checking in on the baby and having to stay sober enough to still be mom when you get home. So that's like, one margarita?
Party on.

* Having dogs is NOTHING like having a baby. The dogs you can leave home unsupervised without social services knocking on your door.

* Don't waste your money on those grocery cart covers or high chair covers or portable placemets. You will care for about about a minute and then realize that if they are already eating the cheerios that hit the ground while playing with the dogs on the floor, the grocery cart is nothing to be concerned about.

* Getting out the door on time is a thing of the past. And you'll enjoy life so much more when you just learn to accept that fact.

* It's true...they do grow up too fast.

So what did you learn in your first year as a mom? Leave me a comment telling me your mommy lesson and I'll pick one winner for a nice little prize of a pink toiletry bag gift set.



Mr Lady said...

I have nothing better than that list. You've learned well, young Padawan.

OMG: I just went Star Wars in your comments. Forgive me.

Pauline said...

Really? You mean, I got it? I have The Force?
You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that.
And to learn that you are my father.

Mr Lady said...

That's dangerously close to calling me Daddy, sister.... :)

Pauline said...

Hey sweetheart. you're the one who went all Star Wars and goes by "Mr."
so Darth, will ya help me pimp my blog bash on my other blog?

Jessica said...


I so enjoyed reading your lessons learned from your first year of motherhood. I could identify with each and every one! I have an almost 6 year old son and 6 week old TRIPLET boys! After reading your post I had to go feed the boys and as I was feeding I was reminiscant of when my oldest son was their age. The feelings I had, the lessons I learned, the lessons I'm re-learning through my triplets, and how fast they do grow up.

I never knew worry until I became a mom. I worry about every thing to include the color, consistancy, and frequency of their poops. Never thought I'd care nor discuss that with anyone, until I became a mom.

I never understood the extreme joy a mom feels the first time you hear your baby cry; and from that point on the heartache you feel each time they cry. (especially when you don't know why.) I prayed to hear those first screams when my triplets were born. Although I only heard it from 2 of them, they are all healthy and home now.

I just watched my son graduate from pre-k. He had the only solo part in the performance, counting to 100 all by himself in front of 150+ people. I was so nervous for him. He wasn't nervous at all - but I was. And afterwards, I felt so proud of him. I never knew that kind of pride before I was a mother.

I proudly don spit up on my shirt like a badge of courage. I'm not grossed out at all like I used to be, before I was a mother.

I smile while wiping off fingerprints from the walls and windows. I get joy from sweeping up the crumbs and little foot prints. I love the mess my kids make, for it means they are home, happy and healthy and exploring this big new world.

I could go on and on, but the it's almost time for the boys to eat, again!


Pauline said...

jessica, thanks so much for that great comment! I loved reading about everything you have learned and am in total awe of you: a six year old and TRIPLETS!?!?!?!?! I shall never complain again!
congrats to you and thanks for stopping by to read.