It took me a year to figure this out

Buttercup may have just celebrated her first birthday (sniff, sniff!), but I deserve some happy wishes, too.
Why, you ask?
You pushed a baby out, too, you say?
(Well, congrats to you. Seriously.)
I'm talking about the fact that I am now a veteran of Mommydom. I have made it past the one year introductory period where gimmicks and stupid and useless products are aimed at the ever-impressionable new moms who truly believe that they'll use that bottle warmer they registered for faithfully (meaning, like, more than one week after it's out of the box.)
In the year that Buttercup has grown from a defenseless little six-pounder into a 20-something pound Diva with a 'Tude, Momma has grown a little herself.
What have I learned, you ask?
Let me share:

* No matter how much hearing "Enjoy your sleep while you can" while still pregnant makes you want to strangle every. single. person. who shares this trite little gem with you, you will find yourself biting your tongue to keep from saying it to newly pregnant friends and relatives after your precious baby turns you into a walking zombie.
You will literally have to not only bite your tongue, but draw blood, to keep from saying it after you have crossed to The Other Side. You know, that little place where parents actually can decent snatches of sleep in one shift before they wake to laugh and point at the walking zombies.

* No matter how much you thought you could love, multiply it by infinity.

* Barney is no longer the Devil.

* You might not want to admit it to the family, but you will find it hilarious when your baby says "shit." You may even try to get them to say it again just for some cheap, side-splitting entertainment.

* It is okay to take a while to fall in love with the screaming little infant everyone tells you that you must be so proud to have. After all, while they may have been hanging out for the last nine months, you really just only met face to face.
Me? I fell in love when Buttercup was six-weeks old. Before then, she was a really demanding house guest.

* Your husband or partner will never look more sexy than when they are asleep in bed, snuggling their child in their arms.

* Everything you said you were not going to do once you had kids, no matter how much you believed it at the time, was a total crock. (See above. Cuz that wasn't supposed to E-V-E-R happen in our house.)

* While milestones are great, life is actually easier (read: laundry, showering, peeing without an audience) before your child can roll, crawl, or walk. Sure, I'm lovin' each new discovery with Buttercup, but I sometimes find myself wistfully thinking about the times when I could put her down and not have to worry about her wandering off when I blinked.

* Baby poo stinks before you have a child of your own. After? It's the topic of the day. Maybe new moms become immune to the smell?

* Before you have a baby, every new mom is a fat, lazy slob who "let herself go" if she does not magically lose all the pregnancy weight over night. After the baby? Reality takes an upswing upside the back of your head and knocks you on your ass. Then you realize that you were a vain and selfish idiot who would like to publicly apologize to every mother in the world.
Excluding the Hollywood momlets. They cheat. I'd get my body back in five minutes, too, if my baby came with a personal trainer, home gym, personal chef, nutritionist, and plastic surgeon attached to the umbilical cord.

* Your baby's smile is the only thing that can make a truly bad day disappear.

* You will turn into your mother. And you'll like it.

* You also will realize that your mother was a saint. You are still alive, after all.

* That minivan you swore you'd never get? That will last for about a week after the kid pops out. Then you'll start drooling when you see your neighbors. Feel free to act like your husband made you get it to save face after a new one shows up in your driveway.

* The new "crazy night out" with the girls is reduced to checking in on the baby and having to stay sober enough to still be mom when you get home. So that's like, one margarita?
Right.
Party on.

* Having dogs is NOTHING like having a baby. The dogs you can leave home unsupervised without social services knocking on your door.

* Don't waste your money on those grocery cart covers or high chair covers or portable placemets. You will care for about about a minute and then realize that if they are already eating the cheerios that hit the ground while playing with the dogs on the floor, the grocery cart is nothing to be concerned about.

* Getting out the door on time is a thing of the past. And you'll enjoy life so much more when you just learn to accept that fact.

* It's true...they do grow up too fast.

So what did you learn in your first year as a mom? Leave me a comment telling me your mommy lesson and I'll pick one winner for a nice little prize of a pink toiletry bag gift set.