Friday, September 26, 2008

What if and other magical mommy moments

It has been an incredibly long day and I really should be in bed right now, but I find myself finding new reasons to stay awake.

Has the light bill been paid yet?

Maybe I can unload the dishwasher.

Oops, forgot to feed my frogs!

In all reality, I know that I am procrastinating because I'm secretly hoping that Buttercup wakes up so I can take her to bed with me. She is sleeping soundly on her little makeshift toddler bed (we have yet to buy one) and I can't seem to beat the nerves associated with the fact that she is "boundary-free" at night now. Granted, I know it was the boundary-factor itself that made it impossible for Buttercup to feel comfortable in the crib, as I am convinced she is claustrophobic, but at least then I knew she was safe. (And by "safe," I mean immobile, easy to find because she was right where I left her, not going anywhere unless I was awake and approving. I really miss that.)

But she wasn't happy.

So here I've gone and reduced her anxiety, only to have increased my own. It really doesn't seem fair, because I'm still looking for reasons to stay awake (like possibly posting on Berrie Sweet Picks just to pass the time) since I'm afraid of what might happen if Buttercup wakes in the middle of the night and I'm not awake and right there when she starts to cry. She'd be afraid because it would be dark and quiet. She might trip on something or walk into a wall. What if she suddenly becomes a genius and learns how to open the gate blocking the basement stairs?

What if, what if, what if...

It's only 12:30, so the night is young, leaving me with plenty of time to worry, but I'm fully aware that I'm eventually going to have to sleep. I know that parenthood is all about nurturing, loving, grooming, and letting go a little bit each day as our kids blossom into the people they will become one day, but it's hard. I love watching her grow, but I want her to stay small, innocent, and right by me all at the same time.

Gawd...if this is how I handle the move from crib to toddler bed, I'm in for a long fucking road as she grows up. I'm betting I'll be pretty entertaining come kindergarten and every day between now and then, so stay tuned. And feel free to point and laugh because I'd totally be laughing if this wasn't me.



Michelle said...

- Your frogs are still alive - WOW they must be at least 20 years old by now and big enough to to ride a bike !!
And I had the same issues putting Trevin into his toddler bed, at first. We told him if woke up and needed something to call for us and we would be right there to help him. Still to this day when he needs something in the middle of the night, he still says in bed and calls for me. I still use the baby monitor and I can tell by his breathing pattern and by how much is is moving around in bed when he is about to wake up.

My name is Lauren said...

I just ran across your blog and couldn't believe my eyes when I saw you were going through a "toddler bed" stage, too. You should check out my blog. Learn what it's like going through that stage with two year old twins. lol. I really hope she stays in bed for you and this transition goes smoothly!! Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I hate every new change as they grow up. I read something this week about putting a brick on our children's heads so they don't grow up anymore!

Karyna said...

Yes, ma'am! What if moments will happen every day from here on out. Wait until she comes home from kindergarten one day and tell you that she's in love. And that the little boy holds her hand every day. The fun has just begun!! Good luck trying to sleep at night. Trust me, I'm still trying to get a full 8 hours (or maybe even 4).

T J said...

Good luck! Have you thought of a toddler gate, so you could at least keep her confined to her room and know she wasn't roaming the halls and playing in the fridge?

I had a friend whose son did that once when they started him in the toddler bed. They heard a strange sound late at night - scared them because they immediately thought an intruder was in the house. It just turned out their toddler had emptied the icemaker - ice cubes all over the floor!

I have 3 and while I daydream about them growing up so I can be 'free' - It still affects me - I wish they could stay young forever sometimes.

And - about the 'in love' comment? My oldest is 7 and we had that discussion in first grade. (So not ready....). I tell him he can start dating when he's 28. Don't think it will work, but I can try. ;)

Aly @ Lip Zip said...

My little one has started throwing his leg over the top of the crib rail and is coming so close to pulling himself right over the top so I know we are on the verge of THE BIG MOVE! I am relieved to see someone else feels the same way I do. I am so nervous about this transition. It's more scary to me than peeing in a port-a-potty at the state fair!

Pauline said...

tjonek: We are actually going to get a gate to keep her in the room, but so far when she wakes up she stays on the mattress and cries. She made it to the hallway once, but she was crying, so I heard her and grabbed her.

aly-yes, this is majorly scary. I'm terrified of spiders, and her sleeping along scares me more